Dopple-Kriegers
by Red Witch
Summary: The Figgis Agency becomes aware of certain robot clones in the basement. Some of them anyway.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has malfunctioned. Is it just me or did the gang seem a little nonplussed when they saw the Dopple Kriegers in Deadly Velvet? Well here's my explanation for that…Takes place before Liquid Lunch.**

 **Dopple-Kriegers **

"Everyone gather around," Mallory sighed as she addressed the members of the Figgis Agency in the bullpen. "Cyril has something to say."

"When **doesn't** Cyril have something to say?" Archer rolled his eyes as he took a drink of Scotch.

"True but for once he actually has something **important** to say," Mallory gave her son a look. "So Cyril…"

"As you all have probably noticed," Cyril sighed. "All our past assignments haven't exactly gone as planned."

"No, shit Sherlock!" Pam snapped.

"We've had a few setbacks," Cyril began.

"A **few**?" Lana shouted. "We've been double crossed, triple crossed, banned from a few places, arrested…"

"Attacked by dogs," Archer grumbled. "Shot, stabbed, fallen off cliffs…"

Lana went on. "Held hostage, beaten up, shot with bean bags…"

"Which was not as much fun as it sounds," Archer groaned at the memory.

"And flat out stiffed," Lana barked.

"On my…" Pam began.

"As in we didn't get **paid** Pam!" Lana interrupted.

"Oh," Pam blinked. "Yeah that was a bummer."

"The only times we really made any money is when we stole it," Ray added.

"That's not true. Thanks to Shapiro we did get our check from that lawsuit from the police," Cyril said. "They were very quick to settle as quietly as possible."

"How much?" Mallory asked.

"Enough for us to have paychecks for two months," Cyril said. "Barring some unforeseen disaster. Which unfortunately almost always happens around here…"

"Well what about all that money we got from the Tuntson assignment?" Archer asked. "Didn't the estate pay us like fifty grand?"

"Yes but all of that had to go for expenses!" Cyril snapped.

"What expenses?" Archer asked.

"Well for starters this new thing called property taxes," Cyril snapped. "And this other new thing called insurance. Which we need to get now that our insurance company has dropped us like a lead turd! And this other-other thing called excise taxes. Which covers all the vehicles the Figgis Agency owns. Including Krieger's van, Ms. Archer's car and **your car**! Which, spoiler alert…Was more expensive than all the other vehicles we have **combined!** "

"Yeah but that would only cost…" Archer began.

"Thirty grand total," Cyril gave him a look. "And that's just for taxes alone! Taxes in this state are extremely high."

"So what happened to the other twenty grand?" Archer asked.

"The electricity bill for one," Cyril groaned. "That was over ten thousand dollars in itself."

"How did our electric bill go for over ten thousand dollars?" Archer asked.

"Remember when Barry held your mother hostage and made us use all our computer power to locate his birth mother?" Lana asked.

"Oh right," Archer frowned. "I wonder how that went?"

"Then there's the water bill. The cable, phone and internet bill," Cyril added. "The last three I bundled together to save us some money. Fat lot of good that did. Not to mention gas money. Maintenance and repair bills for the air conditioner and our vehicles. Again your stupid car…"

"It's not a stupid car!" Archer barked.

"It's a stupid car Sterling," Mallory sighed.

"It's a classic!" Archer barked.

"A classic rip off," Mallory snapped. "That thing breaks down more times than the copy machine."

"Also repairs to the copy machine," Pam groaned. "Again whose idea was it to let Cheryl near it?"

"Probably the same person who thought Cheryl answering the phones was a good idea!" Cyril snapped. "Which leads me right to what has now been dubbed the Double Indecency incident."

"Oh…" Lana winced. "That…"

"Not only did we have to pay bail money and damages," Cyril groaned. "We spent thousands of dollars having a makeover day!"

"Well we still have the clothes," Krieger said.

"Most of them," Pam grumbled.

"Not to mention all the bail money we paid whenever Lana or anyone else got arrested!" Cyril shouted.

"We all got arrested at one point or another!" Lana barked.

"Yeah but you're two for one so…" Cheryl shrugged. "You're ahead. Just saying…"

"What about when Mallory got arrested?" Lana pointed out.

"Technically I was not arrested," Mallory pointed out. "I was detained. By mall gestapo."

"Who we had to bribe ten thousand dollars of our agency's money so you wouldn't be arrested!" Cyril snapped.

"Starting to see where all the money went," Archer admitted.

"And don't get me **started** on the bills for all the alcohol that you and your mother bought!" Cyril snapped.

"Those are legitimate expenses!" Mallory protested.

"Maybe for the bar at Trump Plaza," Lana spoke up. "But here…not so much."

"Long story short," Cyril sighed. "We've been in business less than nine months and already we've acquired more debts than the country of Belize!"

"I thought you said we paid the bills?" Lana asked.

"Most of them!" Cyril snapped. "Funny thing about electric bills and water bills and cable/internet bills…They show up **every month**! And every year we have to pay taxes on our cars and this agency!"

"So what you're saying is…" Lana began.

"If we don't start getting some real clients soon, and by soon I mean **right now** …" Cyril said. "This agency is going to have to close in less than three months. And that's **if** we don't have to pay any massive bail money or repairs or whatever other disasters happen!"

"Which will probably happen," Cheryl spoke up.

"Which means we'll be out of jobs again," Ray groaned.

"What about Krieger and Pam's other little side project?" Lana pointed to the two.

"You mean the anime porn? That's kind of drying up," Krieger sighed.

"Who would pay for porn when you can get it for free?" Archer asked.

"Yeah that's pretty much the problem," Krieger admitted.

"I know I'm running low on cash," Pam sighed. "I tried to make some extra bucks as a costumed character for the tourists. Got fired on my first day."

"To be fair you don't exactly look like Superman," Ray pointed out. "In any sense of the word."

"You should have dressed up as the Stay Puff Man," Cheryl scoffed.

"So Sterling your little plan of running a detective agency and becoming the next Magnum PI is failing," Mallory sneered. "What a shock!"

"Archer you got a backup plan for this?" Pam asked.

"Two words. Treasure hunting," Archer spoke up. "We get a boat. Get some scuba gear. Have Krieger put in one of his radar things. Go out to sea. Find a giant shipwreck graveyard. Boom! We're rich!"

"You got a backup plan for the backup plan?" Pam asked.

"You could always all come work for me," Cheryl spoke up. "I'm sure I can find something for you guys somewhere in my company."

"That is **not** going to happen," Mallory glared at her. "Ever!"

"I even had to fire the janitor that came in to save money," Cyril said.

"Didn't he quit after one week?" Pam spoke up.

"Only because he wanted to slack off and go to his freaking family reunion when he was supposed to be working," Archer snorted. "Or was it his uncle's funeral?"

"Long story short, we couldn't afford him anyway. Obviously we need to change things around fast," Cyril said. "So any plausible ideas?"

"Again treasure hunting!" Archer spoke up. "Krieger go get that thing you showed me earlier."

"What thing?" Krieger blinked.

"The thing you showed me earlier!" Archer pointed at him. "Go get it from your stupid lab!"

"Okay Jeeze you don't have to yell," Krieger went out of the room.

"Archer, we're not becoming pirates," Lana groaned. "Again!"

"Technically only Archer was the pirate," Cheryl corrected.

"Pirate King!" Archer protested. "I was a pirate king!"

"Until you got deposed," Lana said. "And we had to rescue your ass."

"And mine when you nearly got me killed," Ray glared at him.

"And you made me sick with worry!" Mallory snapped.

"Oh God how long are you going to…?" Archer began when Krieger walked into the room. "Krieger did you get the thing?"

"What thing?" Krieger asked.

"That thing I asked you to get from your lab not even two minutes ago," Archer snapped.

"Oh right…" Krieger blinked. "What was that again?"

"You've been sampling your own drug concoctions again haven't you?" Ray sighed.

"Probably," Krieger shrugged.

"Go get the thing that hunts treasure stuff from your lab," Archer ordered.

"Oh that thing! Okey dokey!" Krieger went off.

"As I was saying," Archer began.

"The latest piece of claptrap from your mouth," Mallory interrupted. "And how once again you hurt me with your selfishness and stupidity!"

"Oh for crying out loud Mother I…" Archer did a double take as Krieger walked into the room. "How did you get back here so fast?"

"How did I get what here so fast?" Krieger blinked. "What are we doing?"

"Krieger you really need to lay off the drugs," Ray groaned.

"Okay I got the thing!" Krieger then walked in holding something.

"And I think I'd better lay off the drugs too!" Ray did a double take as there were now two Kriegers in the room.

"Holy Dopple-Krieger snacks!" Pam gasped. "You guys see them too right?"

"See what?" A third Krieger walked in.

"God damn!" Ray's jaw dropped.

"Holy Double Mint Twin Snacks!" Pam gasped.

"What the…?" Cyril did a double take. "I think you mean Double Mint **Triple Snacks!"**

"Oh my god…" Lana gasped.

"Oh boy…" Archer groaned. "Guys relax."

"Yeah it's not like we haven't seen Krieger clones before," Cheryl scoffed.

"Which I specifically told the original…Whichever one of you that is," Mallory snapped. "To **not** make! Which one of you is the original?"

None of the Kriegers said anything. "Keep in mind I will only hurt the original Krieger," Mallory growled. "And make him wish the Nazis never created him in their labs!"

"He is! That would be him!" The other two Krieger's pointed to the one in the middle holding the device.

"Thanks a lot guys!" Krieger gave the others a glare as they stepped back.

"Krieger…" Mallory stepped up to him. "I thought I told you no more clones!"

"You said I couldn't clone **myself** anymore," Krieger pointed out. "I assume you meant biologically. You didn't say anything about robots."

"I meant all clones period!" Mallory shouted.

"Well you didn't say that!" Krieger protested.

"You really do have to be specific with him." Archer said. "Wait _robots?"_

"Guys cool your jets," Krieger ordered. "I mean literally…"

They did so, their faces moving aside for a second to reveal their robotics. "Holy Cyber Snacks!" Pam gasped.

"God Damn dude!" Ray gasped.

"Just like the gypsy woman said," Cheryl was in awe. "Wow she is spot on a lot of times. Maybe I should ask her for stock tips?"

"Me too," Ray blinked.

"Oh this day just keeps getting better," Cyril groaned.

"Krieger you know how I feel about robots!" Archer barked.

"Relax! They're harmless," Krieger waved. "They are totally incapable of hurting people! It's like the second or third thing I programmed them to do."

"Second or …?" Lana did a double take. "What was the **first?"**

"This!" Krieger grinned. "Hit it!"

The Dopple Kriegers put their faces back on. And music started to play. _"Here we_ _come!"_ They started singing. _"Walking down the street! We get the funniest looks from everyone we meet!"_

Then they started dancing. _"Hey hey! We're the Monkees! And people say we monkey around! But we're too busy singing! To put anybody down!"_

"Oh dear God…" Mallory winced as the Kriegers danced around. "They couldn't have been programmed to kill could they?"

"Killing my will to be sober," Ray groaned.

"I'm with you buddy," Archer got up. "First round is on Cyril."

"Why **me?** " Cyril shouted. "Oh what the hell…?" Cyril went with the others as they left the room.

Leaving Mallory alone with the Krieger clones. Who had stopped singing. "Krieger…" Mallory growled. "We need to talk…"

"Meep!" The Kriegers all said as one.

The next day…

"Mother I need you to…" Archer walked into his mother's office. Then he saw an astonishing sight.

One Krieger robot was dusting the furniture while the other was vacuuming the rug. "And I want this place to be spotless Rosies!" Mallory ordered as she sat in her chair behind the desk.

"Yes Ms. Archer!" Both robots said at the same time.

"Mother what the hell? I thought you told Krieger to dismantle those robot clones?" Archer asked.

"Well I was going to then…" Mallory waved her empty glass.

"Let me freshen that up for you!" A Krieger robot filled it up with some scotch.

"Let me guess," Archer groaned. "You saw the advantages of unpaid robot labor."

"Honestly they're cheaper than hiring a janitor," Mallory sighed.


End file.
